I wrote this about eight months ago but never published it while Jeff and I were still in the “should we or shouldn’t we” stage. Even though I’m past that chapter now (short version: I’m not pregnant), I still think this piece is worth sharing. I updated a few details and added some thoughts before posting…
For the past year, at least once a week Jeff and I would circle back to the subject of having kids. Not in a dramatic way — more like a steady hum in our conversations. I felt haunted by the idea of finding the “right” answer, so I’d bring it up repeatedly to force myself to figure out what I truly wanted. That nagging uncertainty was amplified because I never experienced that instant, unquestionable urge some people describe: the “I always knew I wanted kids” feeling or the “I held a baby and realized this is my life” moment. That never happened to me.
I don’t see many honest conversations about being undecided — the “maybe baby” mindset — and I’ve looked. My questions landed on two main fears: 1) Can I handle parenting without seriously harming another human? 2) Do I want to accept the many sacrifices I know Jeff and I would face?
So that’s what this post is about: Maybe baby. What do you think?
Quick note before I dive in:
Having kids is absolutely not mandatory. It’s not a one-size-fits-all path. Some women — smart, nurturing, compassionate — simply don’t want children, ever. That decision is valid and no one should be shamed for it.
Agree? Great. Carry on with me…
When Jeff and I were engaged, people at my bridal shower asked when we’d have kids. At 25, we had no idea. I felt scattered in life and marriage felt like the one thing I was certain about. The rest was messy. I expected myself to have my act more together by that age. Kids? That conversation felt impossible. I was young and enjoying freedom.
Fast-forward: we’ve been together 12+ years (married eight). I’m 33 and Jeff is 36. If biological children matter to us, time feels like it’s ticking. And there’s the added question: can we even have biological kids? I also worry about being the kind of parent who lacks energy as kids grow. Sure, increasingly many women have healthy pregnancies later in life, but I still wonder if that path would suit me. What do I want our life to be?
Another factor: I don’t feel a strong urge for a newborn phase. I could imagine skipping the tiny-baby stage and starting with the “fun” parts — the personality, the pudgy legs, the small laughs. There are also so many children in need of loving homes; fostering or adoption appeals to me, too — but that opens an entirely different conversation.
What we have now, without children: 1) Disposable income — such a luxury. 2) Freedom to travel any time — and we travel a lot. 3) Time and energy to invest in our careers. 4) A great cat named Franz. 5) Until six months ago, our dog Luna, who was essentially the most important member of our family. She passed away and I haven’t fully processed it publicly. Luna felt more than a pet; she was the closest thing to a baby in our lives. We even moved to accommodate her needs, made decisions with her in mind. Her loss has left a hole but also shifted how we imagine the future.
Will having kids change our relationship? I know it will change things, but I worry whether it will strengthen or strain us. I can’t predict the future. My parents divorced when I was a teen, and that experience casts a long shadow. I worry that adding a child could destabilize what Jeff and I have — not because of anything between us now, but because of that insecurity planted early on.
Even with those concerns, I ask: Are we missing something? How can I know what it’s like to miss out on parenthood if I’ve never had it? On the flip side, is there more to life than travel and shopping when you want something? These questions are hard and persistent.
When I picture having a child, I imagine rituals and little joys: making special moments extra special (birthday themes, Christmas scavenger hunts), helping shape a person who’s open-minded and kind and maybe funny, and yes — I’ll admit — buying adorable clothes. Call it superficial, but the cute outfits excite me. There are countless other reasons I could list, but this post is already long.
After all of that: where does that leave us? Have you been in this same place? If you’re reading this and relating, I’d love to hear from you.
Questions for you: Did you go back and forth about having kids? Are you still undecided? Do you identify as yes, no, or maybe baby? Did your feelings flip after becoming a parent? I want to create a space to talk openly about this big topic — leave your thoughts in the comments below.
Photo credit: Mothermag via Domaine Home